Calming Techniques for Tantrums

Tantrums are a part of growing up. Even adults have moments of big, overwhelming feelings, but they have a fully developed prefrontal cortex and usually have learned how to handle them. Children, on the other hand, are still learning and developing. Now is a great time to introduce tools to them that can carry them into the tumultuous teen years and adulthood. The techniques here may even help you to better handle your own stress and anxiety.

Why Tantrums Happen

Tantrums can happen for all sorts of reasons. It can be that the child is tired or overwhelmed and they don’t have the brain capacity to think logically. It could be that the child just has the wrong perspective on things. It could also be that this is how the child has learned to get what they want. 

The first thing you can do is find if there are any triggers to the tantrums. Are they tired? Are you trying to complete errands at a time that is usually their naptime? Does it only happen with certain people or in certain situations? See what can be done to minimize those triggers.

Second, if the child is just being irrational or has a wrong perspective, utilize some of the tools here to calm the child down so that you can begin to show them the truth and hopefully help them understand better.

Lastly, have you often given in to your child’s tantrums? If it is something that you do not want to do or find would not be beneficial to your child, then do not give in. Try the techniques, but if it is over wanting what they cannot have, you may just need to let the tantrum run its course. If it is something that they can have, do not give it to them during the tantrum. Utilize the tools and wait for the child to calm down and then you can give it to them explaining that you had to wait until they calmed down and that being calm is the way to go and not throwing a tantrum.

Practice, Practice, Practice

The best time to learn to handle a crisis situation is not during an actual crisis, but rather beforehand when everything is calm. We learn about the dangers and causes of fires and how to handle them through drills so we can be calm and capable during an actual fire. The same goes for calming down techniques and handling tantrums. 

The first step is teaching your child about the different emotions they may feel and how they impact our behavior and reactions. In recent years, there has been an influx of children’s books geared toward teaching children about their emotions and identifying them. Books are a great way for children to learn. Some good ones that address more specific situations that tend to cause big emotions in children are the Llama, Llama books by Anna Dewdney.

Next, start practicing calming techniques like you do fire drills, though much more frequently. Trying to tell a child to take a deep breath in the midst of a meltdown when they have never done it before or have had very little practice tends to do nothing, but if they have practiced, then they have a reference point and it can be more intuitive for them. You may even find them doing this on their own. I won’t forget the first time I saw my youngest on a ride that was scary for her and she immediately began doing some deep breaths on her own with no prompting. 

Calming Down Techniques

Deep Breathing

Sometimes all we need to think more logically and get back to reality is getting some good oxygen to our brain. Not only does deep breathing help us take a moment to pause and give us a mini-timeout from the situation, but it also gives us that much needed oxygen.There are a few different techniques for deep breathing that people find effective. 

The first is probably the most common. Take a slow deep breath in through your nose and then slowly breath out through your mouth. The next is called square breathing. This is where you breath in for 4 seconds, hold it for another 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds, and hold for another 4 seconds. 

With children, especially, it may be beneficial to add a prop or other sensation into the mix. One fun prop that also gives a visualization is an expandable fidget ball. You can slowly expand the ball out as you breathe in as a visual for your lungs filling with air and then slowly collapse the ball as you breathe out as a visualization of your lungs emptying out. You can also place one hand on your chest and the other on your stomach and feel as your lungs filll and empty of air. Try switching which hand is on top to see which feels better. These props and motions can help in the heat of the moment as the child sees the ball or feels your hands on their chest and stomach which prompts them to deep breathe when they may not hear your vocal prompts.

Tapping

Tapping is a less commonly known relaxation technique that some may find more soothing. It involves tapping various parts of the face and body while speaking affirmations. A book that does a good job in teaching this to children in a storylike fashion is Gorilla Thumps and Bear Hugs: A Tapping Solution Children's Story by Alex Ortner. 

Grounding

Grounding helps bring a person out of themselves and back into the world around them. Thinking of counting back from 5 to 1 using your senses. Find 5 things around you that you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. It may be beneficial to have a sensory kit around that can provide calming objects for this. For instance, some soft or textured items to touch, pleasant smelling candles, and mints to taste.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Progressive Muscle Relaxation or variations of it may be most beneficial for children who are especially physical. The basic technique has you tense and relax each muscle group individually from the top to the bottom of the body. For instance, scrunch your face and relax, clinch the jaw and relax, all the way down to curling your toes and relaxing before finally tensing all your muscles and then relaxing them. 

Some children may need something more intense. These children tend to be ones that like to give almost painfully tight hugs. You may want to start with having a something like a body pillow, large stuffed animal, or padded pole of which they can squeeze with their entire body like a monkey. You can use yourself as the one being squeezed if it won’t hurt you, but children do grow and become stronger, so it may be wise to use an inanimate object. Have them squeeze with their whole body, relax, squeeze with their arms, relax, squeeze themselves, relax, and then move into the basic technique.

In the Heat of the Moment

Work What You Have Practiced

This is the time to put to work all that you have practiced with your child. First, stay calm. Calmly say what you want the child to do while also doing it yourself. This may help you stay calm, but it will also be a visual prompt as the child may not initially hear what you are saying.

When There Hasn’t Been Practice or Nothing Else is Working

There may be times, even with lots of practice, that the child just may not be able to bring themselves to do the techniques or you have not yet been able to practice. There are some tools to have in your back pocket that may help.

Drink Water

Give your child a small cup of water to drink, as long as you know they won’t throw it or dump it out.This will give them a moment of pause enough to breathe and the sensation of the water is soothing. It may not completely calm them down, but enough to begin other techniques to finish the job. If they do happen to dump or throw the cup, remain calm and move on to the next thing. 

Go Outside

Getting some fresh air isn’t just great for adults, but there is just something about walking outside. It brings about all kinds of sensations that awaken other senses causing an intuitive grounding. It can make it easier to want to take a deep breath in. 

Get Into Water

Water is also very soothing for many children. This could be in the form of taking a bath or playing in the sink or anything else the child may enjoy that involves water. This also awakens many of the senses naturally.

Cuddles

Some children just need to be held. This doesn’t mean that you condone any wrong behavior done during the tantrum, but first a child needs to calm down before that can be addressed. Offering a time of cuddles can be just what the child needs to calm down and then the behavior can be addressed and any necessary consequences given.

Timeout

Not necessarily for your child, but for you. Of course it’s important to make sure your child is in a safe environment and that you can leave them for a moment. Timeouts could be locking yourself in the bathroom for a minute or putting on some noise cancelling headphones to take your own deep breaths without distraction of yells. This may make your child even angrier, but it is better than you getting overwhelmed and causing damage yourself.

When All Else Fails

Simply sit nearby and tell your child that you are available to them when they are ready to calm down.

After the Storm

Once things have begun to calm, you can begin to talk about the situation. You can help them identify the feelings they have had, recognize their perspectives, notice any triggers, and help the child see the truths of the situation

Everything should end on as happy a note as possible. This is the time for apologies, including from you if you committed any wrongs (no parent is perfect), give loving words, and affection. This helps the child know that you still love them and that they can move on.

When to Seek Outside Help

If your child gets violent to the point of regularly destroying property or harming others, it is time to seek outside professional help from someone who specializes in this area. 

If you are regularly becoming overwhelmed, it is time to seek outside help whether from a spouse, family or friends who can step in and take over in those moments. You may also want to seek counseling as this may be a sign that you may have unresolved issues. Parenting can often bring forth things we have not properly dealt with or thought we dealt with, but now there is a new layer of it to deal with.