Dependency vs Independence in Child Development

Dependence vs Independence in Childhood

Our society's approach to fostering independence in children seems paradoxical. We encourage newborns to sleep alone, potentially prematurely pushing self-reliance. Yet, many young adults enter college with a lack of basic life skills like laundry, hindering their full independence. It's as though we prioritize independence when dependence is natural and, at some point, reverse this emphasis, fostering dependence instead.

Perhaps this shift occurs as parents realize a child's need for some dependence or find it easier to do tasks for them rather than teach them. The abundance of parenting books focusing on early independence, rather than life skills, might also contribute.

Undoubtedly, parents desire their children to become competent adults capable of self-sufficiency. However, the question remains: how do we achieve this balance?

In this blog, I'd like to discuss the varying degrees of dependence and independence required at different stages of life. I'll provide a breakdown of these areas, starting from pregnancy and continuing through to young adulthood.

Pregnancy

Dependence

• Nearly everything. 

Independence

• The placenta becomes a barrier and transfer system between mom and baby.

Early Infancy (Birth - 6 Months

Dependence

• Attachment

• Safety

• Comfort

• Food

• Diapering

• Providing a safe place to sleep 

Independence

• Communicating needs through crying (babies don’t know how to manipulate their wants or their needs at this age)

• Sleeping (baby will sleep whenever tired if he feels safe and secure)

• Breathing

Please keep in mind that your baby is transitioning from a place of complete dependence and immediate need fulfillment within the womb to the outside world. Independence cannot be forced without negative consequences and must develop gradually.

Focus the early days on bonding and helping your baby learn to nurse and communicate their needs. The safest sleep environment for your baby is a bassinet within arm's reach, not a separate room. Remember that at this stage, your baby's wants are their needs, so prompt responses are crucial. Feed your baby as soon as they show signs of hunger. This is not the time to introduce schedules.

As your baby grows and matures, you can gradually introduce routines for sleep, eating, and play. Around 4-5 months old is usually a good time to begin this process.

Late Infancy (7-12 Months)

Dependence

• Healthy Attachment

• Safety

• Comfort

• Breastmilk/Formula

• Diapering

• Providing safe place to sleep and good times to nap

• Providing healthy solid foods

Independence

• Becoming mobile

• Communicating wants and needs (still more needs than wants)

• Learning routines 

• Learning to wait for very short periods of time

• Learning to eat solid food

• Begins speaking in single words and possibly short sentences.

• Can begin to make choices between 2 items. 

Here are some important things to keep in mind: When a baby learns that their needs will be met, they begin to find it easier to follow routines. They understand that they won't go hungry, even if it's not quite time to eat yet. Additionally, when a parent is attuned to their baby's individual needs, rather than relying on external opinions, they are better equipped to recognize when their baby is ready for new steps towards independence.

During the first two years, a child's development of independence is primarily driven by their learning to crawl and walk. However, this newfound mobility can also lead to clinginess. As the baby realizes they can move away from their parents, and that parents may also move to another room away from them, they may become anxious about losing sight of them.

Toddlerhood (1-2 Years)

Dependence

• Healthy Attachment

• Safety (including childproofing to prevent injuries and access to dangerous items)

• Comfort

• Providing a safe place to sleep (may begin to be ok sleeping in another room, especially if it is shared with a sibling)

• Providing healthy foods

• Need for limits, healthy boundaries, and lots of redirection

• Help in learning new skills

Independence

• Learning to use the toilet

• Learning to share toys

• Communicating wants and needs (becoming more equal in requests for wants and needs)

• Can wait for longer periods of time (delayed satisfaction)

• Can make decisions between 2-3 items

• Can begin to learn basic life skills while watching and helping adults, but also some on their own. 

  • Dishwashing

  • Folding washcloths

  • Food preparation (stirring and pouring)

  • Dusting

  • Setting and clearing table for snack

  • Dress self

  • Manners

  • Using utensils 

Here are some important points to remember: During toddlerhood and early childhood, children can start learning valuable life skills. These can range from dusting and watering plants to cutting soft fruits with dull, child-safe knives. The Montessori method offers excellent guidance on how and when to teach these skills to your child. While it may be messy and time-consuming at first, investing in these activities will save time in the long run and foster confidence and independence in your child as they develop essential self-care abilities.

Early Childhood (3-6 Years)

Dependence

• Healthy attachment

• Help choosing weather-appropriate clothing

• Providing healthy foods

• Providing a safe place to sleep (usually ready to be fully moved into own room, especially as they near age 6 and going to school, but may still require assistance if there’s nightmares or scary storms), still requiring a nap until about age 4 or 5.

• Limits and boundaries that change with maturity. 

• Consistency, especially in discipline

• Help gaining comprehension of right and wrong.

• Help honing new skills

Independence

• Fully Dressing self

• Fully using the bathroom

• Washing hands

• Learning more social skills, sharing, playing together

• Can make decisions between 3-5 items

• Can speak in full sentences and share ideas

• Learning more difficult life skills

  • Folding bigger pieces of laundry and putting it away

  • Cutting soft produce with a dull knife

  • Pouring liquids

  • Helping with basic cleaning 

  • Helping with dishes

  • Wiping down their space

  • Cleaning up small messes and helping with big messes

  • Picking up their toys

  • Feeding pets

  • Making their bed

  • Learning how things work (this may result in a desire to take things apart and put them back together)

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    Late Childhood (7-12 Years)

Dependence

• Connecting with other people

• Help with building routines and learning time management

• Encouragement

• Safety (this often will be teaching the child to do things in a safe manner)

• Healthy food options

• Limits and boundaries that change with maturity. 

• Consistency, especially in discipline

• Being reminded of what is right and wrong.

• Help attaining new skills

Independence

• Learning more complex social skills and may begin going over to friends’ homes

• Can be involved in more decisions and share preferences

• Can learn to clean more thoroughly

• Can take on tasks that require more strength like taking out the trash and mowing the lawn.

• Can begin to make simple meals for themselves and help with more complex family meals.

• Can be involved in meal and schedule planning

• Help with washing and drying of laundry

Here are some important things to remember. As children enter school-age, it's important to continue building upon their life skills. Lessons may need to adapt as children become more competent and independent. This often includes spending more time away from home, whether at school or at friends' houses.

It's a crucial time for children to learn time management and responsibility. This might include ensuring homework is completed and packing necessary items when going out. Chores can also become more challenging, such as doing laundry or mowing the lawn. Additionally, most children this age are sleeping in their own rooms and preparing some of their own meals and snacks.

Teenagers (13-17)

Teenagers (13-17 years)

Dependence

• Connection

• Guidance

• Safety skills

• Encouragement in making good decisions

• Limits and boundaries that change with maturity. 

• Consistency, especially in discipline

• Privacy (anything that exposes a child to the world, such as the internet, is not subject to privacy)

• Monitoring of things that expose the child to the world (cell phones, internet usage, friend groups, etc)

Independence

• Taking ownership of time management and school responsibilities

• Do their own laundry

• Prepare family meals now and then

• Begin learning and take on adult tasks as they grow older

• Involved in most decisions concerning themselves

• Driving

• Getting a job

Here are some points to consider: When children are allowed to gradually gain independence at their own pace, the transition to middle school and high school often feels natural. They can manage most responsibilities independently while remaining involved in family life. Of course, there are still skills to learn, such as driving and balancing a job with school. Importantly, this approach allows space for self-discovery and identity formation, something many young people now delay until their twenties. Perhaps this delay occurs because they haven't had sufficient opportunities to develop independence and a sense of self before leaving home for college or other endeavors.

Young Adulthood (18 Years +)

Dependence

• Connection

• Guidance

• Encouragement to make good decisions

• Help in learning skills that may have fallen through the cracks. Learning gaps are inevitable, but parents can still be there to help their adult children learn those skills as they come up.

Independence

• Pretty much everything concerning their lives is now their responsibility. It is important to let them make their choices and no longer try to control their lives, though you can still be a support and encouragement.

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Wrap-Up

The early stages of dependence can be incredibly draining. During pregnancy, the first trimester can be particularly challenging due to fatigue and the body's sole responsibility for nourishing the developing baby and placenta. Once the placenta forms, it alleviates some of the burden on the mother, marking a first step toward independence.

Similarly, after birth, a baby's complete dependence on parents creates a different kind of exhaustion. Yet, as the child grows and gains independence, the demands on parents lessen. Investing time in teaching essential skills early on can save significant time and energy in the long run.

While independence is valuable, I believe the ultimate goal is interdependence. This means individuals can function independently but also recognize the importance of community and support. It's crucial to understand that we don't have to do everything alone and that mutual help and support are essential.

Donielle Laine is a parent of two, who understands the joys and challenges that come with raising children. With her Associate's degree in Early Childhood Education and Master's degree in Developmental Psychology, she offers parent coaching services to support you on your parenting journey.

Whether you're facing specific parenting challenges, seeking general guidance on how to enhance your parenting skills, or preparing for the arrival of your first child, she is here to help.

She would be happy to discuss how her parent coaching services could benefit your family. Appointments run 50 minutes and are $150 per session. Schedule your appointment: https://calendar.app.google/XpaWpotDL8G4jvm88